Hi Michelle,

I’ve sent an angry email that I regret. I rudely criticized a business partner in front of other
partners. I want to apologize sooner rather than later. How do I do it the right way?

Hello, friend.

By the time you read this, I’m hopeful your relationship will be restored thanks to your humility and their willingness to engage, effort on both sides. Our coaching session has yielded your letter of apology. Your sincerity touched and impressed me. You offered a meaningful compliment, shared your plan for bettering yourself, and invited ideas about how you might make amends. (Wow!) You jumped onboard my suggestion to follow your written apology with a phone call, which convinced me of your courage.

Apologies are hard. My most recent mea culpa was two days ago. I started with “I’m sorry for how I communicated when I was feeling anxious…” Tired, disappointed, or disrespected are common triggers that lead to mistakes. Many of us struggle with apologizing because deep down, we believe it means we’re a bad person. That’s not a useful belief. There’s a more helpful way to view mistakes we’re bound to make if we’re in the game as communicators in any meaningful way. Figure out:

• Possible causes of your lapse in judgment (“I was feeling overlooked, underappreciated…”)
• What you’ll do your best to do differently the next time (“I’ll take a break between writing and hitting “send”) – you meet your own needs while you treat others well
• How your actions likely impacted the other person (Were they embarrassed, annoyed?)
• What you’d like you to do if you were in their shoes

Resetting is the goal. All of us have power to influence a relationship when things get off-kilter. You can regret your actions and take steps to make amends without judging yourself so harshly that your self-esteem takes a hit. It’s a Pro Move (high-payoff communication strategy) to own a mistake without blaming others for your action or inaction. If you feel they have a part in the problem, lead with the apology and let that land first. Then, if timing feels right, ask if they’re open to talking about how they can help avoid similar situations in the future.

Beware the temptation to use some form of “you made me do it” or “you’re too sensitive”, which do nothing to restore harmony.

You were feeling overwhelmed when you fired off an unfortunate response. The blessing is the self-examination the apology required and the stress management needs it illuminated. We’ll work on that together and I’ll hold you accountable. I’ll tell you one thing for certain: I’d much rather work with someone who will sincerely apologize than someone who does not or cannot.

I’ll share a quote that helps me remember self-care and its relationship to communication:

“Stressed people are creatures of habit who lack the capacity to choose a different response. They keep doing what they’ve always done, moving deeper into lostness without any means to recognize where they are. If we are to reawaken our brains and our precious human capacities, we have to create the conditions that support thinking and reflection. We have to actively cultivate insight through practice.” Margaret Wheatley, Ph.D., Harvard University